Perception Of Time


During the daytime hours, I seem to be just fine. The depression that I have been feeling lately isn’t as gripping. But once the sun goes down and I am left with my own thoughts, that is when it seems like my depression is in full effect. I think about everything whether I want to or not. I’ll also usually shedding a few tears. Until I can get my emotions in check my mother still has control over me. I don’t know how to get my emotions in check, though. Continue reading

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I Can’t Deal With This Mess


I keep bouncing in between feeling hurt and sad to feeling extremely angry regarding the current predicament that I find myself in. I am starting to wonder if my family does little things just to try setting me off. Like, my sister (not Crystal) has never posted up so many pictures and posts involving Max until after everything happened. As a matter of fact, I don’t think she ever posted anything about him. It’s like they are trying to rub it in my face that they stole my dog.  Continue reading

It Wasn’t Supposed To Happen This Way

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Sure, You Can Blame It On Me… Again.


So much has happened and gone wrong, that I don’t even know where to start right now. Continue reading

Overdose: It Can Happen To Anyone, At Any Age


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An overdose can happen to anyone, at any age. Not only does an overdose affect the life of the person who chose to put the drugs into their system, but it affects the lives of everyone that they know, or even knew. Continue reading

Fight Or Flight Complex: I Almost Always Take Flight


I had a boringly eventful day. One might ask how something is boringly eventful. Well, what I mean by that is that I have had a pretty boring day (I spent about 90% of my waking day writing and doing outlines, and finding new articles to write for babygaga) but yet there was something that happened that kind of made the day eventful (not necessarily in a good way either).

I had a talk with my mom about moving back in with Mike. Somehow, it must have slipped her mind that we already had this talk the day I came back from my first couples therapy with Mike. Let me just say it did not go over too well. By the end of it, she said that she will not be going to that apartment to be visiting me. She said that she wants to be able to “speak her mind” to him and tell him how she really feels about everything that went on, apparently just like she did with my ex’s after them and I broke up.

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Getting My Life Back


I feel like I have really been neglecting my blog lately, and I kind of have. Just not intentionally. I have been super busy with writing articles. I have been mass producing them pretty much. Usually, it takes me an entire day to write one, but lately, I have been able to write two and a half a day, PLUS be able to complete a few outlines. I think that is only because I am starting to get kind of hypomanic/borderline manic. But hey, what else can I say other than things are starting to look up… 😆

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Completely Heartbroken

 

Completely Heartbroken 💔


I’m drowning again, only this time I have a legitimate reason for being pulled under the water this time around. Sometime this morning when Mike, my boyfriend, wakes up he is going to be calling his dad to try to have him help find new living arrangements for himself. He’s leaving me. We didn’t even really have our normal full blown fight, it was very minor. He just wanted me to come to bed with him but I said no because I wasn’t ready to go to bed at the time. Next thing I know he’s saying he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and breaking up with me.  Continue reading

Early Morning Anxiety

I just seem to be feeling overly anxious at the moment, and I only just woke up less than an hour ago. I cannot get my mind to just stop running wild. Today I will be getting my first paycheck from Babygaga. It still feels kind of unreal to me. Like, how did I get a job writing articles for a living? I’m not fully going to believe it until that money is my account, I guess. I really should’ve asked my editor what time they usually deposit the pay at so I’m not anxiously waiting like some crazy person. (Oh, wait. I am some crazy person!) Continue reading

The Adventure Begins

 

The Adventure Begins


I am finally getting back to normal, and I love it! I was in such a bad spot with that depressive episode. Sleep was impossible, but that was all I wanted to do. I couldn’t sleep because my mind would not stop racing with all these horrible negative thoughts. I didn’t want to do anything, go anywhere, or even see anyone. I just wanted to disappear, and I was making plans to do so. I don’t think I ever felt that low in my life. I thought it was going to last forever, that I would be trapped inside my own mind thinking all these crazy things. Continue reading

Thinking About Life: July 11, 2017


After careful consideration, I have decided to quit my ghostwriting job. It just was not worth it anymore. I sent them an email about it and their only response back was literally, “Oh, wow!” and I have not heard anything since. I was so nervous when I did it. Continue reading

July 4th, 2017

 

July 4th, 2017


Introduction

Today has been pretty good for me while also marking my first 4th of July Sober. But I managed to make it through with of too much of an issue. I did not even get my a** to a meeting like I should have. Then again, I also did not get any sleep like I should have… I have not been to bed yet and I tried everything I could think of, besides illegal stuff and drugs and alcohol, to get me to sleep but to no avail. (So, I am hoping the Unisom I took mixed with my Remeron will help me sleep tonight finally.)  Continue reading

Ghostwriter Blues

 

Ghostwriter Blues


When I agreed to become a ghostwriter I didn’t realize that I would take it so hard once I started seeing another author take claim for all of my hard work. It’s that simple. The other day, I don’t know why, but I decided to search for the articles that I had written on the site I was writing for and there they were… right in front of me… word for word. Only, they were under someone else’s name. Of course, they were because I was a ghostwriter. A nobody. A legit nobody who would never have their name next to an article that they would actually get paid for. Continue reading

Emotional Overload *Trigger Warning*

Emotional Overload

I am in an emotional overload and I don’t know why. I am all over the place and every little thing has been making me cry. I know I have had a medication increase, but I really don’t think it is that. When I was talking to my dad, he suggested that it had to do with sobriety, and he had a point. I heard that before, that you can randomly start to feel emotions that you have never felt before because you are sober. Continue reading

Sea Isle City ’17: Day 6

 

Sea Isle City 2017: Day 6 (Thursday)

For the first time since I have been on vacation, I did not isolate… at least fully. I spent some time working on my one article, even though my focus was horrific for some reason today. I just could not focus. My boyfriend and I talked about leaving and coming home today, but we ended up staying. Even though I am pretty homesick, I am glad we decided to stay in a way. I actually had a decent time today. Continue reading

Sea Isle City ’17: Day 5

Sea Isle City 2017: Day 5 (Wednesday)

I am absolutely mentally exhausted. On top of my normal 6 articles a week, I had to do an extra 2 more due to another writer having an emergency. These articles should have been so simple, but they were in a new format and style for me, so I had to learn something brand new and from scratch which took up a lot of time. Continue reading

Sea Isle City ’17: Day 3


Today was a pretty bland day for me. I don’t think I really left the beach house we were staying at, except for stopping and picking up pizza. I really isolated today. In my defense though, the weather was pretty crappy. It was windy and cloudy. I was also assigned 6 new articles today which are all due within the next 6 days. I don’t know how I am supposed to be on “vacation” while still attempting to get all 6 articles done. Continue reading

Sea Isle City ’17: Day 2

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My boyfriend & I


Since I am using writing as my main coping mechanism for my mental health and addiction issues, I have come to the conclusion that it is probably in my best interest to try to add at least one blog post daily. Blogging, and writing in general, are very therapeutic for me. I honestly don’t know where I would be without it. Probably still using alcohol and drugs is my guess, along with being a total emotional wreck instead of a partial one. Continue reading

June 17, 2017 S.I.C., NJ

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I guess it’s safe to say I made it to my destination without much of an issue. I wish I could say I have been having the time of my life since I’ve gotten here, but that would be an outright lie. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed myself at times. But at other times, I’ve felt like I was crawling out of my skin. Continue reading

The Bottle Took Her

I feel kind of ridiculous now for posting about how going on vacation is going to be hard for me because of much I am going to want to drink. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it still rings true. However, I found out this afternoon that my Aunt Laura passed away and that it was alcohol related. Continue reading

June 16, 2017 2:53am


I should be excited right now since I leave for vacation Saturday morning, but the closer it gets the more anxious I start to feel. This is going to my first vacation sober. I don’t know how well I am going to be able to handle that, especially without a sponsor now. And what does every normal person do on vacation? They get wasted, right? I mean, that’s what I always did on vacation? That’s what everyone on my Facebook does on vacation? The same with my friend, my family, and most of the people that I am going to be with for the next week. I just want to feel like a normal human being again. Continue reading