Hang On To Something- Even If It’s Small

**Note: I wrote this earlier in the day before everything went to crap, but it was my first decent post in a while, so I took it out of the trash and decided to post it anyway.**



Snapchat-11-27-17-644jpg (5)So, it is almost 10 am and I have yet to go to sleep. I have been up working on an article and creating outlines for future articles. I actually had a decent weekend (minus Friday night). I was in desperate need of a few days where I didn’t feel like complete crap and horrifyingly depressed, especially after the living hell I was put through Friday night. 
I wish I could talk about what happened, but I really can’t. It broke me down and left me feeling defeated, alone, and completely depressed. I just need to get it out, but I can’t and it’s for a good reason. I don’t want to piss anyone off or make anyone feel bad, even though I had felt an overwhelming sense of catastrophic dread like everything was falling apart again and like the walls were closing in on me and suffocating me to death. Continue reading

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The Chaos Instilled In Me


I’ve been meaning to write a blog post for a few days now, but I kind of overbooked myself with articles.  It has been taking me forever to create them when that usually never happens. I had to force myself to write these past few days. My mood still goes up and down constantly to the point where I can longer figure out how many times it changes in a day anymore. Continue reading

What Do I Do From Here?


I have not really been writing on here, not because the mess of my life has dulled down but more so because I really don’t know how to feel right now. I don’t know if I am up or down or somewhere in between half of the time. I don’t know if what I am feeling is wrong, or even justifiable anymore. So, with that, I guess I’d rather not say anything more than needs to be said. But I can’t keep being like that either. I am already pretty isolated, so why isolate myself further? Continue reading

All Time Low


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The past two days have been pretty crappy for me. Although, today I have had two good
things happen, but I just don’t feel up to celebrating my small victories. However, I will say what they are. This morning I wake up to a message from my sister asking me if I checked my email and then said congratulations. I was like no and then checked my email. Well, our editor (we happen to have the same one) from BabyGaga sent out an email with a list of the top performing articles throughout the entire BabyGaga site and one of my articles was on that list! (14 Stories Of Mom’s Who Had Miscarriages: Article Link) I was so excited to wake up to that, especially after the day I had yesterday! (which I will explain in a bit) To my surprise, this article was doing well.  Continue reading

Early Morning Emotions



So, literally out of nowhere I got the biggest feeling of loneliness and a longing for my family. I had finally started to get back to work and started working on my article 📑 (I only have 5 more entries to write) and all these feelings and emotions just hit me, and they hit me hard. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel or why, when I was fine, my mind decided to screw with me. Maybe it has something to with the fact that Mike fell asleep in the living for some reason, and I was literally all by myself. 😦

Continue reading

My Bipolar Life: My Mixed Episode

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So, I have come to the conclusion that I am in a mixed bipolar episode, yet again. For like the millionth time in my life. At first, I couldn’t figure out why I would be up and down at the same time totally. I have manic and depression tendencies at the same time. I’m hardly sleeping, I am writing like I am an in a manic episode, I am dealing with severe agitation, I have all the manic symptoms minus anything euphoric. I am also depressed and low, struggling with self-esteem issues more than normal (which generally is pretty bad to begin with, however, it is just that much worse than normal). I just don’t want to be dealing with stuff. Plus, all the other depression symptoms that people like myself just adore (sarcasm in case you couldn’t tell). I’m definitely in a mixed episode.  Continue reading

Info On Bipolar Disorder: Mixed Episodes

Information About Mixed Episodes In A Person Who Has Bipolar Disorder And What’s Its Greatest Risk Is: 


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•If you are bipolar and are stuck or struggling with a mixed episode, I know what you’re going through. Please seek help if you feel it’s getting out of hand… There is always someone who knows what you are going through. Just remember… you are never alone!  •

-Samantha♥

Stuck In The Negative


Mike brought something to my attention that I surprisingly have not realized myself. I have not had one single post, for months now, that has not been depressing. I can’t help it though because, as I have said before, my life fell to pieces starting in August. As much as I have had some good moments, I have not had one single day pass by in the past three months where I have not struggled with feelings of depression. I guess that’s pretty sad, but it’s true.  Continue reading

Perception Of Time


During the daytime hours, I seem to be just fine. The depression that I have been feeling lately isn’t as gripping. But once the sun goes down and I am left with my own thoughts, that is when it seems like my depression is in full effect. I think about everything whether I want to or not. I’ll also usually shedding a few tears. Until I can get my emotions in check my mother still has control over me. I don’t know how to get my emotions in check, though. Continue reading

Two Sides Of Me

The feature picture describes me so well. It’s like I have two sides of me; a happy side and a depressed side, and they happen to be stuck together right now. Or it’s more like good vs. bad internally. Continue reading

Mixed Emotions & New Opportunities


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Something amazing came up, and the first thing I wanted to do was call my mom to tell her this awesome new… then I stopped and thought, “Oh yeah, we’re not talking!” That completely screwed with my emotions. I was just so excited and then lost it. She has not tried to contact me and neither has any of my siblings from her side. I tried to call my aunt and pretty much got the hint that there is no relationship there either.

Continue reading

What It Reminds Me Of & Other Stuff


I’ve been having a hard time processing Wade’s death and I couldn’t figure out why. I mean, yeah, he was my godkids father. So, yes, I feel beyond horrible with what they are going through, and with what my best friend is going through, but I just couldn’t place why it was eating at me so bad. Continue reading

Fight Or Flight Complex: I Almost Always Take Flight


I had a boringly eventful day. One might ask how something is boringly eventful. Well, what I mean by that is that I have had a pretty boring day (I spent about 90% of my waking day writing and doing outlines, and finding new articles to write for babygaga) but yet there was something that happened that kind of made the day eventful (not necessarily in a good way either).

I had a talk with my mom about moving back in with Mike. Somehow, it must have slipped her mind that we already had this talk the day I came back from my first couples therapy with Mike. Let me just say it did not go over too well. By the end of it, she said that she will not be going to that apartment to be visiting me. She said that she wants to be able to “speak her mind” to him and tell him how she really feels about everything that went on, apparently just like she did with my ex’s after them and I broke up.

Continue reading

The Adventure Begins

 

The Adventure Begins


I am finally getting back to normal, and I love it! I was in such a bad spot with that depressive episode. Sleep was impossible, but that was all I wanted to do. I couldn’t sleep because my mind would not stop racing with all these horrible negative thoughts. I didn’t want to do anything, go anywhere, or even see anyone. I just wanted to disappear, and I was making plans to do so. I don’t think I ever felt that low in my life. I thought it was going to last forever, that I would be trapped inside my own mind thinking all these crazy things. Continue reading

Looking Up: For Today


I am too scared to say that my depression has lifted because I don’t want to get my hopes up. What I can say is that, for today, things are looking up. Just because I have had one good day, for the first time in weeks, does not mean that I am miraculously cured, but I guess it’s a start, right? Continue reading

Sometimes It’s Okay To Do Nothing


I had to repeatedly remind me that it’s okay to do nothing over and over again this entire weekend. While my laptop was… down… I didn’t get any writing done so I spent the entire weekend vegging out with Mike and binge-watching OITNB. (yes, I LOVE OITNB… die hard fan!!!) Do I really have to wait an entire year waiting for another season?! Seriously? I want to know what happens now! Now, what will I pass my time with when I am not mindlessly tapping away at my keyboard??? Continue reading

Depressive Episode Part 2: My Bipolar Ride

July 20, 2017


Sometimes I don’t even know where to start word-wise. I will have so much to say or have so much going on inside my head but I will be at a loss of where to actually start… and that is what is happening to me right now. My emotions are on overload. When I think that things are getting better, or that maybe things will be okay, reality slaps me in the face and laughs at me and reminds me that nothing is okay. Nothing will ever be okay. Continue reading

Depressive Episode Part 1: My Bipolar Ride

July 19, 2017


My bipolar ride has finally taken me back to the lower end and I completely hate it. I knew the random manic highs I was getting weren’t going to last forever and that I would eventually crash to the lower side and now I am here and of course now everything looks bleak and gray. Continue reading

Thinking About Life: July 11, 2017


After careful consideration, I have decided to quit my ghostwriting job. It just was not worth it anymore. I sent them an email about it and their only response back was literally, “Oh, wow!” and I have not heard anything since. I was so nervous when I did it. Continue reading

Ghostwriter Blues

 

Ghostwriter Blues


When I agreed to become a ghostwriter I didn’t realize that I would take it so hard once I started seeing another author take claim for all of my hard work. It’s that simple. The other day, I don’t know why, but I decided to search for the articles that I had written on the site I was writing for and there they were… right in front of me… word for word. Only, they were under someone else’s name. Of course, they were because I was a ghostwriter. A nobody. A legit nobody who would never have their name next to an article that they would actually get paid for. Continue reading