Let You Down

“It feels like we’re on the edge right now / I wish that I could I’ proud/ I’m sorry that I let you down / Let you down/ All these voices in my head get loud / I wish that I could shut them out / I’m sorry that I let you down / Let you down / Yeah… I guess that I am a disappointment…”

 

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I Miss My Dog


Last night I was in bed by 1am but I didn’t fall asleep until closer to 4am. I just kept thinking about Max and about how much I really miss the little guy. His birthday was on November 20. I hope that Bit*h at least got him a gift or some treats or something. Between my phone, my tablet and my computer I must have gotten 5 or 6 different alerts. That really stung. It was a reminder I didn’t need to see. Thinking about my dog and how much I miss him, just makes me want to cry sometimes. He was a member of my family that was literally stolen from me. Continue reading

Hanging By A Thread

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Hanging By A Thread


Earlier today I was in the best mood that I have been in a long while. I had a good two days beforehand, and for once I was optimistic about life in general. I wanted to live and see what the day would bring. I had even written a really nice, positive blog post (Hang On To Something- Even If It’s Small); something that I really have not done for months now. I should have known better than to try to be happy and optimistic because it is just not written in the stars for me to be able to feel good emotions. Every time things start to look up something always has to go wrong. Continue reading

Hang On To Something- Even If It’s Small

**Note: I wrote this earlier in the day before everything went to crap, but it was my first decent post in a while, so I took it out of the trash and decided to post it anyway.**



Snapchat-11-27-17-644jpg (5)So, it is almost 10 am and I have yet to go to sleep. I have been up working on an article and creating outlines for future articles. I actually had a decent weekend (minus Friday night). I was in desperate need of a few days where I didn’t feel like complete crap and horrifyingly depressed, especially after the living hell I was put through Friday night. 
I wish I could talk about what happened, but I really can’t. It broke me down and left me feeling defeated, alone, and completely depressed. I just need to get it out, but I can’t and it’s for a good reason. I don’t want to piss anyone off or make anyone feel bad, even though I had felt an overwhelming sense of catastrophic dread like everything was falling apart again and like the walls were closing in on me and suffocating me to death. Continue reading

Defeated


A Positive Change


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I wish I would have blogged the other day when I had nothing but good things to say. I actually think I did but feel asleep midway and deleted it the next day. Mike had paid for me to get my nails done and for me to get a haircut (which is something that I have not had done it at least two years now). I actually like the way my hair looks now, which is odd for me because as you all very much well know, I do not like anything about myself usually.  Continue reading

Confessions From A Fat Girl (Me)


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Well so much for sleep. I am too annoyed with myself right now. So, I weighed myself for the first time in a little while, and it’s worse than I thought. I knew I had put some weight on, but not as much as I have. I am completely disgusted with myself. Continue reading

Pure Frustration


Today has been a decent day because I got to spend some time with my best friend @jazminegonzalez87. She saved my ass and helped me with an article that was overdue and that I was stressing over big time. I also got to spend some time with my Godson. My article was almost 24 hours late. I don’t know what’s up with me lately. I can’t function right and I always feel like my brain is a fog which makes it hard to think and act like a normal human being.

Continue reading

1-800-273-8255- Logic


I don’t know why, but I just fell in love with this song. It shows that when a person feels like they don’t want to be alive anymore. Things do get better in time, and to just stick it out because things can and do get so much better. Basically in the end you will be glad you didn’t go through with it, and you will no longer feel like you want to or need to die. I am still waiting for my massive storm to pass so that I can try to heal.

“1-800-273-8255”
(feat. Alessia Cara & Khalid)

[Logic:]
I been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I just wanna die
I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die
And let me tell you why

All this other shit I’m talkin’ ’bout they think they know it
I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic
And my life don’t even matter
I know it I know it I know I’m hurting deep down but can’t show it
I never had a place to call my own
I never had a home
Ain’t nobody callin’ my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine

I been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

[Logic & Alessia Cara:]
I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don’t gotta die today
You don’t gotta die
I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don’t gotta die
Now lemme tell you why

[Alessia Cara:]
It’s the very first breath
When your head’s been drowning underwater
And it’s the lightness in the air
When you’re there
Chest to chest with the lover
It’s holding on, though the road’s long
And seeing light in the darkest things
And when you stare at your reflection
Finally knowing who it is
I know that you’ll thank God you did

[Logic & Alessia Cara:]
I know where you been, where you are, where you goin’
I know you’re the reason I believe in life
What’s the day without a little night?
I’m just tryna shed a little light
It can be hard
It can be so hard
But you gotta live right now
You got everything to give right now

[Logic:]
I been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine

[Logic & Alessia Cara:]
I finally wanna be alive (Finally wanna be alive)
I finally wanna be alive
I don’t wanna die today
I don’t wanna die
Finally wanna be alive (Finally wanna be alive)
I finally wanna be alive
I don’t wanna die
I don’t wanna die
(No, I don’t wanna die)
(I just wanna live)
(I just wanna live)

[Khalid:]
Pain don’t hurt the same, I know
The lane I travel feels alone
But I’m moving ’til my legs give out
And I see my tears melt in the snow
But I don’t wanna cry
I don’t wanna cry anymore
I wanna feel alive
I don’t even wanna die anymore
Oh I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna
I don’t even wanna die anymore

 


Official Video

 

 

-Samantha♥

The Chaos Instilled In Me


I’ve been meaning to write a blog post for a few days now, but I kind of overbooked myself with articles.  It has been taking me forever to create them when that usually never happens. I had to force myself to write these past few days. My mood still goes up and down constantly to the point where I can longer figure out how many times it changes in a day anymore. Continue reading

I Don’t Know If I Am Strong Enough

•••I Don’t Know If I Am Strong Enough•••


If my spelling/typing are horrendous, it is because I am using my cell phone to blog tonight, or shall I say morning since it’s almost 4 am? Lol. I had to stay up late again tonight because, for the life of me, I could not find one person to proofread my article for me. When it’s someone else’s writing I can easily spot their errors, but when it comes to me trying to proofread my own writing, I end up overlooking so much.

Continue reading

You Will Always Be Missed

I decided I will share my story of what happened to my children’s father. Our story begins way back when I was just 14-years-old. I had a friend tell me this cute boy moved to town and she wanted me to meet him because I was sad, she thought it would cheer me up. I remember that day like yesterday, even down to the flip flops that I was wearing because he loved them so much and complimented me on them. I went up to my old elementary school in the playground to meet him. I was very shy at first but after talking with him for a little bit I felt very comfortable. We went for a walk together and ended up going into the woods by my house. We sat on a log and talked for hours. Once it was dark he walked me home and gave me a kiss goodbye; this was the beginning of our love story. Continue reading

What Do I Do From Here?


I have not really been writing on here, not because the mess of my life has dulled down but more so because I really don’t know how to feel right now. I don’t know if I am up or down or somewhere in between half of the time. I don’t know if what I am feeling is wrong, or even justifiable anymore. So, with that, I guess I’d rather not say anything more than needs to be said. But I can’t keep being like that either. I am already pretty isolated, so why isolate myself further? Continue reading

All Time Low


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The past two days have been pretty crappy for me. Although, today I have had two good
things happen, but I just don’t feel up to celebrating my small victories. However, I will say what they are. This morning I wake up to a message from my sister asking me if I checked my email and then said congratulations. I was like no and then checked my email. Well, our editor (we happen to have the same one) from BabyGaga sent out an email with a list of the top performing articles throughout the entire BabyGaga site and one of my articles was on that list! (14 Stories Of Mom’s Who Had Miscarriages: Article Link) I was so excited to wake up to that, especially after the day I had yesterday! (which I will explain in a bit) To my surprise, this article was doing well.  Continue reading

Morning Venting Session: 10/26/17

Venting Sessions


I just need to vent. It’s but such an irritating morning and it has only just begun. I didn’t get to sleep until close to 6 something in the morning and was rudely around 8 am to the very annoying sounds of water dripping. Let me just say that it is not raining outside but more so inside my apartment. Continue reading

Early Morning Emotions



So, literally out of nowhere I got the biggest feeling of loneliness and a longing for my family. I had finally started to get back to work and started working on my article 📑 (I only have 5 more entries to write) and all these feelings and emotions just hit me, and they hit me hard. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel or why, when I was fine, my mind decided to screw with me. Maybe it has something to with the fact that Mike fell asleep in the living for some reason, and I was literally all by myself. 😦

Continue reading

Procrastination At It’s Finest


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I have been having so many issues with procrastinating today. I was able to work pretty solid earlier in the day, and even completes and submitted an article. Afterwards, I just could not motivate myself to really get much work down. Even now by blogging, I am procrastinating. I should be working on my article that is due tomorrow since it is pretty in-depth and needs a decent amount of research done in order to write it, but instead, I have been helping my sister with her outline, chatting on Facebook, and pretty much everything else besides getting my work done. This is procrastination at it’s finest. Continue reading

Gratitude: Tuesday, October 24, 2017


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I am going to try something new for a change. I know I am always blogging or writing some pretty depressing stuff. Even what I just got done writing like 30 minutes ago was pretty depressing. I am going to try to do my own gratitude journal. (CLICK HERE for how to make your own! It will redirect you to a previous post I made on this blog!) I figured what a better way to start than to make my first entry where I get to vent out most of my frustrations.  Continue reading

My Bipolar Life: My Mixed Episode

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So, I have come to the conclusion that I am in a mixed bipolar episode, yet again. For like the millionth time in my life. At first, I couldn’t figure out why I would be up and down at the same time totally. I have manic and depression tendencies at the same time. I’m hardly sleeping, I am writing like I am an in a manic episode, I am dealing with severe agitation, I have all the manic symptoms minus anything euphoric. I am also depressed and low, struggling with self-esteem issues more than normal (which generally is pretty bad to begin with, however, it is just that much worse than normal). I just don’t want to be dealing with stuff. Plus, all the other depression symptoms that people like myself just adore (sarcasm in case you couldn’t tell). I’m definitely in a mixed episode.  Continue reading

Info On Bipolar Disorder: Mixed Episodes

Information About Mixed Episodes In A Person Who Has Bipolar Disorder And What’s Its Greatest Risk Is: 


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•If you are bipolar and are stuck or struggling with a mixed episode, I know what you’re going through. Please seek help if you feel it’s getting out of hand… There is always someone who knows what you are going through. Just remember… you are never alone!  •

-Samantha♥

Stuck In The Negative


Mike brought something to my attention that I surprisingly have not realized myself. I have not had one single post, for months now, that has not been depressing. I can’t help it though because, as I have said before, my life fell to pieces starting in August. As much as I have had some good moments, I have not had one single day pass by in the past three months where I have not struggled with feelings of depression. I guess that’s pretty sad, but it’s true.  Continue reading