Hanging By A Thread

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Hanging By A Thread


Earlier today I was in the best mood that I have been in a long while. I had a good two days beforehand, and for once I was optimistic about life in general. I wanted to live and see what the day would bring. I had even written a really nice, positive blog post (Hang On To Something- Even If It’s Small); something that I really have not done for months now. I should have known better than to try to be happy and optimistic because it is just not written in the stars for me to be able to feel good emotions. Every time things start to look up something always has to go wrong.

i-love-you-to-deathEverything was great until I got a specific phone call that threw me for a spin; Mike was on his way to the hospital with a possible heart attack. I just got this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was trapped at home with no way to get to him. I kept thinking this can’t be happening. What am I going to do, I can’t lose him. I started crying and panicking, I called Jazmine, who was at work, and my dad, who was in Florida. My dad gave me the idea to get in touch with Mikes family, so I called his daughter and told her what was going on and she came and picked me up and we went to the hospital together. Thankfully, he was okay. I just couldn’t shake the thought of something happening to him. Yes, we have our ups and downs and sometimes we fight over nothing, but I still love him to death. I have no plans, nothing I can do if he were to die. He’s only human, and we never know when our time is up or a loved ones time is up. There is nothing we can do to prevent the inevitable from happening because we will all die one day. In a sense, we are all only living to die and we just have to find ways of staying busy and entertaining ourselves until our demise. 

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It makes you wonder if all of the pain and the struggles that we have to endure as human beings while we are on this earth are even worth all of the problems, chaos, and heartbreak that they cause. We’re literally doing nothing but watching the clock tick our lives away. Why deal with it? Why put up with it? It’s just flat out cruel torture for some of us. What’s the whole point of life anyway?

Ironically, the same day of Mike’s health scare, my best friend confides in me that she has been having some troubling issues herself. It’s like, oh great, some cosmic force is trying to take away the few people I have left in this world. I am bound to end up all alone. I wouldn’t be able to handle losing either one of them. Now I can’t seem to get these thoughts and worries out of my head about something happening to one of them.

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What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit? This doesn’t even feel like it’s my life anymore. I feel like I am sitting in the passenger seat watching someone else’s hellish life unfold. I am hanging on by an almost nonexistent thread. I don’t think I can deal with one more thing. I’m defeated and broken. Always broken. 

I stopped going to therapy which was probably a really bad idea. I think I have to get back in it. I can’t fight these demons alone anymore. I am so scared to try to make an appointment with my therapist since I missed like three sessions in a row by just not showing up. When in flight or fight mode- I always take flight. ⊗

 

—δamantha

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