Early Morning Emotions



So, literally out of nowhere I got the biggest feeling of loneliness and a longing for my family. I had finally started to get back to work and started working on my article πŸ“‘ (I only have 5 more entries to write) and all these feelings and emotions just hit me, and they hit me hard. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel or why, when I was fine, my mind decided to screw with me. Maybe it has something to with the fact that Mike fell asleep in the living for some reason, and I was literally all by myself. 😦

Which even that makes no sense to me because usually I love the solitude and being alone, especially at night (as I had stated just a few hours ago in my previous post when I was pretty much feeling a little down but overall I had felt okay). I wish I had someone to talk to right now. πŸ“±I could really use a friend, and I know that most normal people are sleeping 😴 at almost 5 in the morning. I should try to sleep but my anxiety is sky high and my heart hurts. πŸ’” At least being able to vent on here helps me get my emotions out a bit.

Is this ever going to get an easier for me? Will I ever stop longing for, and missing the people that hate me the most right now? 😣 I don’t like feeling like this, and these feelings are no fun. I hate feelings. I wish I could honestly just pick up a bottle of Vodka 🍸 and drink until I am either numb or knocked out. πŸ˜ͺ I just want to sleep, but sleep doesn’t seem to come easily for me. Gotta love insomnia, right?

Unisom πŸ’Š no longer even makes me drowsy. And it probably doesn’t help that I ran out of my lithium. πŸ’Š I kept meaning to put in a request for a new script but by the time I would remember, their office was already closed. I did put a request in online, but they seem to just ignore that sometimes. Or, so at least that is how it feels. I need something stronger than Trazadone πŸ’Š and Remeron πŸ’Š for sleep because they don’t make me tired anymore either. I don’t think anything would knock me out anymore at this point. I mean, nothing legal at least.πŸ’Š

i-give-up-gif

I just want to say that I give up so bad. 😒 Throw up my white flag and just surrender. I am not even in the mood to try to think of anything to be grateful for. There goes my gratitude list after like what- a whole 24 hours or so. I wonder if my family ever thinks about me πŸ’­ and misses me too. I am scared I already know the answer though. They are better off without me, I just tend to make a mess for everyone that is around me. I’m a mess. I kind of think everyone would be better off without knowing me. I hurt people when I don’t intend too. πŸ’” I always say and do the wrong things. πŸ™ˆπŸ™‰ πŸ™ˆ

I can’t help but feel ashamed for some of the things that I have done and for some of the things that I do. I know I f-ed up with my family big time. I know they were just trying to look out for my best interest. But damn. . . Couldn’t they have just accepted that what I wanted to do wasn’t necessarily what I wanted to do? Couldn’t they just still have loved me anyway? πŸ’”

Sleep doesn’t seem like it’s coming for me anytime soon. . . 😴

Thanks for following and reading my rants,

-SamanthaπŸ’™

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