Stuck In The Negative


Mike brought something to my attention that I surprisingly have not realized myself. I have not had one single post, for months now, that has not been depressing. I can’t help it though because, as I have said before, my life fell to pieces starting in August. As much as I have had some good moments, I have not had one single day pass by in the past three months where I have not struggled with feelings of depression. I guess that’s pretty sad, but it’s true. 

During the day, I might be getting along with everything just fine but come night time I get lost in my own thoughts. I have random periods during the day where I have so much anxiety that my chest and heart just feel so unbearably heavy. It gets hard to deal. I feel like I need a whole bottle of Xanax but I don’t even think that would be enough to numb me sometimes. 

Things are going great with my writing, I am still churning out articles like crazy. I am even up to my 67th article. I still don’t feel like my writing is good enough though. I still find ways to criticize myself even when people tell me that I am doing a good job or if people say that they are proud of me. I am 31-years-old and I feel like I have accomplished absolutely nothing in my life.

Maybe that is because I have had more people tell me that they are disappointed in me, or that I am a failure, or that I will never be good enough more times than I have actually had someone say something positive about me or that I did something well. I have always been the screw-up of the bunch and my family has made sure to remind me of that more times than I can count.  

I know that I should not look for approval from others but I am constantly seeking approval and asking people what they think. I am always trying to make other’s happy and, in turn, I make myself even more miserable than I already am. I am always so quick to want to help others. I know I have said that more than once. I usually end up getting burned in the end or screwing myself over. I constantly put other peoples needs above my own, and I am clueless as to how to change that character flaw within myself and how to stop thinking that way.

When others are happy, I am happy. When others are sad, I am sad. When others are angry, I am angry. You get my point. I tend to feed off over other peoples emotions so much. I really wish I had so much more to write about that was positive. 

At least I can say that with everything that has happened, I have not self-harmed since about August I believe. That is simply amazing for me, especially because I have wanted to so bad so many times since then. I am not even using my impulse control log. Although, I really should be so that my therapist can see my triggers and how I have been feeling or coping. 

On a different note, at least until my mind drifts back to the negative stuff, I have to say that I am so proud of Crystal, my sister, and Jazmine ( @jazminegonzalez87 ) for doing so well with their own writing and articles. I try to lend them a helping hand when I can, and in return, they also help me with my articles when I need it. I am so glad to be sharing the experience of writing for BabyGaga with my little sister and my best friend. I am also glad to be sharing the experience of blogging with Jazmine as well. (Speaking of which, Jazmine made her first official blog entry tonight, so be sure to check it out! My Last Day ) 

I while back I created a blog post about keeping a gratitude journal ( Keeping A Gratitude Journal ), and I should really start taking my own advice and create one for myself again. I am always looking at the negatives and tend to overlook the positives. I think I am in need of one of the euphoric manic episodes to help motivate myself a little better. 

(Back to the negative thoughts) It sucks that everything went wrong between my family and I right before all the major holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to suck, and I am not going to be allowed to numb the pain with alcohol like I did the previous time my family disowned me. The last time everything happened, I was a lot young and even though I was hurt, my feelings were much more hostile and angry instead of fully depressed like I am this time around. 

Well, I am either going to try to journal, read, or work on my next article.

-Samantha♥

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